So you’ve been laid off? Haven’t found work? Waking up in the mid afternoon waiting for that magic e-mail to arrive in your in-box requesting that you come in for an interview? Well, this is for you. It goes without saying that you reap what you sow. Well, you therefore will never reap what you never sow. Since there are tons of guides on how to find a job, and what steps you can take to polish your resume, network, join associations and network some more, I felt that I would approach the subject from a completely different perspective. Here are the 5 things you can do to guarantee you never get a job, in no particular order.

1. Do nothing. I mean nothing.

My favorite.  Wake up. Pick up the Wii remote. Order some Pizza (or ask mom to).  Such is the life of luxury for the unemployed.  No effort, no responsibilities, and no pressure.  Clearly, you should take advantage of the fact that a job, career or your own business is not just going to magically appear in your lap. I should also warn you that no, you aren’t Neo, and you are not in the Matrix.   So go ahead, sit there on the computer, Facebook all day, work on your Farmville farm,  “tweet” about how you don’t have a job, and join your unemployed peers in mass despair over your unemployment. Wake up at noon everyday. Don’t brush off your resume. Don’t sign up for job sites. Don’t talk with friends. Don’t try to network. Just do nothing.

2. Don’t let anyone know you are looking for a job

Your friends, they should all think you are still working at your last job.  They don’t have to know, do they? Don’t update your LinkedIn profile, and the world will never know you are sitting at home enjoying Curbed Your Enthusiasm. No one is going to hire you if they don’t know you are looking.  So it goes without saying that if you don’t let anyone know you are in the market, you probably won’t receive any interviews or offers. Better yet, if you don’t use your network of family, friends and ex-colleagues, you’ll have no way of your network for potential job leads.  Sure, most jobs don’t even make it to job boards like Monster or Hotjobs, because, just like you look to friends, families and people you are familiar with to, so do potential employers.  But you don’t care about that.  So don’t even think about brushing off that business card, breaking out that suit, and working on that handshake.  You should be working on your form for Guitar hero.

Check out 3 – 5 , after the jump.

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Somewhere in New York

What can I say. I too laughed when I first saw this picture. For many though, it is a peek at the grim reality of today’s economy. I am pretty sure that if I didn’t see this particular stormtrooper on an NYC subway, I have definitely seen my share of “grey suits” and drones with the vacant stare of dread in their faces. It is effecting all of us. I have many friends who have gone months, even a year or more without a job in this economy. It sucks, quite frankly. And its really hard to take advice from people who are still on the other side of things.

But there is hope, my friends. You will not face the adversity with grief. You will not subscribe to “woe is me.” You will not have despair on your face. You are not one of them. You have the opportunity to do what YOU like, on YOUR terms and create YOUR life and wealth.

Join the exhired. This blog is totally devoted to you, and will feature daily tips, stories, satire, and resources for those who are privileged to grace these pages.

Welcome, my friends, to exhired.