1. Do nothing. I mean nothing.

My favorite.  Wake up. Pick up the Wii remote. Order some Pizza (or ask mom to).  Such is the life of luxury for the unemployed.  No effort, no responsibilities, and no pressure.  Clearly, you should take advantage of the fact that a job, career or your own business is not just going to magically appear in your lap. I should also warn you that no, you aren’t Neo, and you are not in the Matrix.   So go ahead, sit there on the computer, Facebook all day, work on your Farmville farm,  “tweet” about how you don’t have a job, and join your unemployed peers in mass despair over your unemployment. Wake up at noon everyday. Don’t brush off your resume. Don’t sign up for job sites. Don’t talk with friends. Don’t try to network. Just do nothing.

2. Don’t let anyone know you are looking for a job

Your friends, they should all think you are still working at your last job.  They don’t have to know, do they? Don’t update your LinkedIn profile, and the world will never know you are sitting at home enjoying Curbed Your Enthusiasm. No one is going to hire you if they don’t know you are looking.  So it goes without saying that if you don’t let anyone know you are in the market, you probably won’t receive any interviews or offers. Better yet, if you don’t use your network of family, friends and ex-colleagues, you’ll have no way of your network for potential job leads.  Sure, most jobs don’t even make it to job boards like Monster or Hotjobs, because, just like you look to friends, families and people you are familiar with to, so do potential employers.  But you don’t care about that.  So don’t even think about brushing off that business card, breaking out that suit, and working on that handshake.  You should be working on your form for Guitar hero.

Check out 3 – 5 , after the jump.

3. “The world is falling, woe is me.”

The Apocalypse might as well be occurring tomorrow, and you might as well just make sure the world knows.  While your at it, wear black wherever you go, smell like cigarettes, and carry around your flask of the scotch you’ve taken from your father’s   Another great way to ensure you , is sulk in your own despair, constantly.  It’s a no brainer that will love your attitude , so by constantly, they will be first in line to help.  Don’t carry a bright, positive attitude, and people won’t to recommend you or help you in your search.

4. “To Whom It May Concern…”

To whom it may concern.  Dear recruiter.   I am highly interested in your organization.   I would love to work with such great people.  I’m a business person.  My qualifications are ideal for your company. Blah. Blah. Blah.  So, if you think this sounds great now, try reading the same generic wording over and over again.   Your average recruiter or HR representative will probably go through hundreds of resume to fill a single position.  So why stand out?  Why separate yourself from the pack with a unique resume, a catchy introduction or non-generic words?  Why stop the reader from placing your resume where all the other went?  Just go with the pack.  Don’t stand out.  I guarantee you will also be getting a generic letter back from said HR department that goes something like this: “while your credentials impressive, we unfortunately cannot offer you a position at the moment.”  Frame it. You have just succeeded in not getting hired.

5. After your done reading this article, go read more articles.

Yeah, you read that. That’s right.  Keep reading more articles. Because we all know, reading more articles will fill your brain to the tipping point, at which point it will either (a) force your body to actually act out on the words you just read and do something or (b) cause you to hibernate.  Most likely (b).  So go ahead, hibernate, I’ll see you back here when you wake up.

Somewhere in New York

What can I say. I too laughed when I first saw this picture. For many though, it is a peek at the grim reality of today’s economy. I am pretty sure that if I didn’t see this particular stormtrooper on an NYC subway, I have definitely seen my share of “grey suits” and drones with the vacant stare of dread in their faces. It is effecting all of us. I have many friends who have gone months, even a year or more without a job in this economy. It sucks, quite frankly. And its really hard to take advice from people who are still on the other side of things.

But there is hope, my friends. You will not face the adversity with grief. You will not subscribe to “woe is me.” You will not have despair on your face. You are not one of them. You have the opportunity to do what YOU like, on YOUR terms and create YOUR life and wealth.

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